People can be really dumb..
‘Maybe you’re not trying hard enough’… ‘Don’t you want to have kids?’… ‘You should just hurry up and have babies’.
You may have heard these same kinds of things; often from well meaning people, usually from those who don’t really know what to say.
2 years into marriage we decided to start trying for babies. I remember when we made that decision, it was an exciting time in our lives…. when would it happen? What would we call our kids? How many did we want? Which one of us would they look like?
One year into trying we went to see a specialist. He was very optimistic about our chances of conceiving. A month after seeing him we discovered we were pregnant! We were so excited. Even though it had taken us a year, we were finally going to have a baby!
8 weeks later we were in the emergency room. I can remember vividly being in the ultrasound room as the technician calls in her supervisor. I remember her saying, ‘I’m sorry but there’s no heartbeat’. I remember waiting until she left the room before breaking down in tears. I was heartbroken. We both were.
I thought I would be angry with God…but I wasn’t. Even though it was a very sad time I actually found great comfort and peace in knowing God is in control and He knows me, He loves me, and He has the best plan. I was free to grieve without anger or confusion.
Over 4 years we tried to have a child. We had miscarriages along the way. Most of those in the very early stages.
I watched almost all of my close friends have a baby, have two babies, have three babies.
I struggled to know what to do with myself. What was I meant to do with my desire to be a mum and how would I use the gifts God had given me?
Here’s what I learnt in this time..
Waiting can be really horrible:
I think the hardest thing for me was not knowing if and when it would happen. I remember praying ‘Please just tell me if and when. I’m ok with waiting if I know the time line’. It was all about being in control, not about trusting.
It’s ok to struggle with where you’re at. Allow yourself to move through these feelings, but don’t stay in the one place and dwell on them.
Don’t allow those moments to become your every day attitude. Have moments but don’t let them turn your heart bitter.
People can, and will say stupid things
I’ve had people say some of those things above while I was in the middle of healing from a miscarriage. Don’t become bitter, some people are jerks, some people mean well. Remember we all can say the wrong thing from time to time.
Feel free to answer as honestly as you want, just be gracious in your response.
Seeing your friends have babies can be really hard:
It’s ok to not want to see your friends sometimes when the struggle is really tough. It’s ok to want a break from talking about newborns and how adorable they are. Remember to be happy for your friends. Rejoice in the blessings God has given them. Be thankful that they haven’t had to go through the same struggle you have. Encourage them to see the joy in the mundane mum jobs
Children are a gift, not a guarantee:
Just because you have the desire doesn’t mean you have the biology or opportunity. Some people will tell you that God wouldn’t have given you the desire if He didn’t intend on giving you children. This is false and certainly not biblical. Children are a blessing from God. It actually makes no difference how strong our desire is.
You don’t have to have children to be an amazing mother:
I’ve met some incredible women who always wanted to be mothers and were never able to have their own biological children. These women play an important role in so many young people’s lives. Don’t let waiting on your own children stop you from being a mum
If God has designed you to be a mum, you will be a mum. I have had so many opportunities to be a second mum to my friends children, an opportunity I would have missed out on if I had had children earlier on.
Don’t wait for your own children to use your gifts:
Use your gifts NOW!!! Don’t waste time! If anything, practice on other people’s children first! 😉 Get involved in kids ministry, volunteer at a school, do what you can to use the gifts you have been given.
God has the best plan in mind for your life:
God really does know what He is doing. Can I suggest that when you pray, instead of only praying for what you want, pray for God’s plan. We like to finish our prayers with ‘ultimately we want Your plan in our lives’. We can forget how well God knows us.
God did eventually bless us with our beautiful boys.
I am so thankful for them. They bring so much joy and love into our lives.
I am thankful for the time before them, even though it was difficult, because it helped me grow.
Our marriage is stronger from going through the struggle together.
My faith has grown from having to rely on God for strength and peace.
If you are struggling my prayer for you is that God gives you His peace and His joy. I pray you find ways to use your gifts while you wait. May you find your identity in the One who made you and may you bless others who struggle on the same journey.
Be encouraged by this Bible verse. Allow it to remind you that God knows you. May it bring you strength this week.
The All-Knowing, Ever-Present God
1 Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.
3 You observe my travels and my rest;
You are aware of all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue,
You know all about it, Lord.
5 You have encircled me;
You have placed Your hand on me.
6 This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.
It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.
7 Where can I go to escape Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there.
9 If I live at the eastern horizon
or settle at the western limits,
10 even there Your hand will lead me;
Your right hand will hold on to me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,
and the light around me will be night”—
12 even the darkness is not dark to You.
The night shines like the day;
darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.
15 My bones were not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began.