When God’s timing is different to ours

People can be really dumb..

‘Maybe you’re not trying hard enough’… ‘Don’t you want to have kids?’… ‘You should just hurry up and have babies’.

You may have heard these same kinds of things; often from well meaning people, usually from those who don’t really know what to say.

 

2 years into marriage we decided to start trying for babies. I remember when we made that decision, it was an exciting time in our lives…. when would it happen? What would we call our kids? How many did we want? Which one of us would they look like?

One year into trying we went to see a specialist. He was very optimistic about our chances of conceiving. A month after seeing him we discovered we were pregnant! We were so excited. Even though it had taken us a year, we were finally going to have a baby!

8 weeks later we were in the emergency room. I can remember vividly being in the ultrasound room as the technician calls in her supervisor. I remember her saying, ‘I’m sorry but there’s no heartbeat’. I remember waiting until she left the room before breaking down in tears. I was heartbroken. We both were.

I thought I would be angry with God…but I wasn’t. Even though it was a very sad time I actually found great comfort and peace in knowing God is in control and He knows me, He loves me, and He has the best plan. I was free to grieve without anger or confusion.

Over 4 years we tried to have a child. We had miscarriages along the way. Most of those in the very early stages.

I watched almost all of my close friends have a baby, have two babies, have three babies.

I struggled to know what to do with myself. What was I meant to do with my desire to be a mum and how would I use the gifts God had given me?

Here’s what I learnt in this time..

 

Waiting can be really horrible:

I think the hardest thing for me was not knowing if and when it would happen. I remember praying ‘Please just tell me if and when. I’m ok with waiting if I know the time line’. It was all about being in control, not about trusting.

It’s ok to struggle with where you’re at. Allow yourself to move through these feelings, but don’t stay in the one place and dwell on them.

Don’t allow those moments to become your every day attitude. Have moments but don’t let them turn your heart bitter.

 

People can, and will say stupid things

I’ve had people say some of those things above while I was in the middle of healing from a miscarriage. Don’t become bitter, some people are jerks, some people mean well. Remember we all can say the wrong thing from time to time.

Feel free to answer as honestly as you want, just be gracious in your response.

 

Seeing your friends have babies can be really hard:

It’s ok to not want to see your friends sometimes when the struggle is really tough. It’s ok to want a break from talking about newborns and how adorable they are. Remember to be happy for your friends. Rejoice in the blessings God has given them. Be thankful that they haven’t had to go through the same struggle you have. Encourage them to see the joy in the mundane mum jobs

 

Children are a gift, not a guarantee:

Just because you have the desire doesn’t mean you have the biology or opportunity. Some people will tell you that God wouldn’t have given you the desire if He didn’t intend on giving you children. This is false and certainly not biblical. Children are a blessing from God. It actually makes no difference how strong our desire is.

 

You don’t have to have children to be an amazing mother:

I’ve met some incredible women who always wanted to be mothers and were never able to have their own biological children. These women play an important role in so many young people’s lives. Don’t let waiting on your own children stop you from being a mum

If God has designed you to be a mum, you will be a mum. I have had so many opportunities to be a second mum to my friends children, an opportunity I would have missed out on if I had had children earlier on.

 

Don’t wait for your own children to use your gifts:

Use your gifts NOW!!! Don’t waste time! If anything, practice on other people’s children first! 😉 Get involved in kids ministry, volunteer at a school, do what you can to use the gifts you have been given.

 

God has the best plan in mind for your life:

God really does know what He is doing. Can I suggest that when you pray, instead of only praying for what you want, pray for God’s plan. We like to finish our prayers with ‘ultimately we want Your plan in our lives’. We can forget how well God knows us.

 

God did eventually bless us with our beautiful boys.

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I am so thankful for them. They bring so much joy and love into our lives.

I am thankful for the time before them, even though it was difficult, because it helped me grow.

Our marriage is stronger from going through the struggle together.

My faith has grown from having to rely on God for strength and peace.

 

If you are struggling my prayer for you is that God gives you His peace and His joy. I pray you find ways to use your gifts while you wait. May you find your identity in the One who made you and may you bless others who struggle on the same journey.

Be encouraged by this Bible verse. Allow it to remind you that God knows you. May it bring you strength this week.

 

Psalm 139

The All-Knowing, Ever-Present God

Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I stand up;
You understand my thoughts from far away.
You observe my travels and my rest;
You are aware of all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue,
You know all about it, Lord.
You have encircled me;
You have placed Your hand on me.
This extraordinary knowledge is beyond me.
It is lofty; I am unable to reach it.

Where can I go to escape Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?

If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there.
If I live at the eastern horizon
or settle at the western limits,
10 even there Your hand will lead me;
Your right hand will hold on to me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,
and the light around me will be night”—
12 even the darkness is not dark to You.
The night shines like the day;
darkness and light are alike to You.

13 For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.
15 My bones were not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned
before a single one of them began.

25 thoughts on “When God’s timing is different to ours

  1. As yet I have not had to go thru the heartache of loosing a child, at any stage, & have been blessed with 2 great children. However I was not able to have my kids when I would have liked & I still want more. I have stood beside friends as they have endured that pain of loosing their babies at different stages thru their pregnancies & ached for their loss. However I have realised that tho I am not wanting to compare the two, my pain is also valid. Since shortly after my husband & I were married we’ve experienced alot of turmoil in our relationship. He is one who shuts down at any degree of conflict, I am one who needs to work things out to move on. This has made me feel quite unstable at times & meant it’s difficult to talk about any matters of the heart. This is why we had a big gap between our 2children & my pain since has been that he has not wanted more even tho he knew I had always wanted more & early on he’d agreed to be open to talk about when the time came. Unfortunately it wasn’t open for discussion & it has made my heart ache. & yes in desperation, I have had those thoughts of having more with someone else, tho I know the stats aren’t good in finding someone later in life! I rarely talk about the depth of my pain but there are many reasons people don’t get the family when & how they want not just infertility. Like I say I’m not trying to say they are the same, I couldn’t imagine the pain of loosing a child, but just to say that it also hurts when you can’t have children for other reasons which are not talked about. Xx

    1. Hey Mary, thanks for sharing. I think pain is pain. It doesn’t really matter what form it comes in, we all have things to deal with and work through. Praying for you that God gives you His peace and fills you with joy this week xoxo

    2. I can relate to your pain about wanting more and an infertility problem called a husband. I’ve been desperately begging for a second for over 6 years with a husband who refuses to give me an answer or talk about it. I’ve reached the point where I’m ready to give up on either my dream of having one more child or my marriage 🙁

  2. Thanks for sharing your story, Bek. My journey was different, but I can still relate to so much of what you wrote, esp about people saying dumb things! Haha. As you graciously pointed out, we can all be ‘those people’ at times.

    I just wanted to share a baby loss website that has helped others we know who are grieving the loss of their little ones. Sometimes it can be hard to know where to turn for support, and this website is gentle and caring for parents and friends who want to support those parents: http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/

    Thanks x

  3. Thanks a ton Rebekah for this wonderful article. Got to read this thru a fb share. I can relate to this article by every word of it. Much much needed positive approach n guidance to me. Literally had tears while reading.
    I lost my first child after a pre-term normal delivery. Second miscarriage now. I was in d same mentality that u have mentioned ‘what to ask god hereafter, when everything is predestined’ . but now got the right outlook n a new approach to my life. Thanks again. Have saved the article to read whenever I feel down in future too

    1. It’s really hard for those who experience the same thing but always remember
      “God have a plan
      for all ofus”
      Thank you for sharing….

  4. When I was a young teenager, I asked my cousin who’s been married for awhile if she’s planning to have kids. I later heard that she was upset with everyone who asked her that. In contrast , I asked another cousin this same question, and she replied ” We want kids and are trying for awhile now. ” I felt so bad for her but never asked her the question again. The ladies she told this to even gave her lots of good advice! I guess sometimes being open is good. She did conceive in the end. Now that I’m married and people ask that, I’m never offended. In fact, I tell them openly that we are gonna try soon and to pray for us!

  5. I just found this article while browsing on FB. And I couldn’t help myself from crying while reading this article! I totally can relate (except for the miscarriages part)! I remember how much my hubby and I wanted to have a baby and how much envious I got when someone we know got pregnant. I had those bitter days. I had those negative thoughts. But the Lord only knows when the perfect time for us is. My husband and I have and are still in the process of learning to trust in His own ways and plans. While waiting, we were able to help out some friends who have kids, we were able to go out on missions, and give time in our church ministries. We thank Him for all that He’s doing! After years of praying, and waiting… He has finally answered! A few more weeks and we’ll get to meet our first baby! 😀

    Truly, we can rely on God! His plans are made perfect in His own timing! Praise and glory be to His Name! 😀

  6. Hi, I too am ‘still patiently ‘ waiting… and yes it is very hard to be happy for your friends and at the same time want what they have. We have been trying for 6yrs now, and Yes I too would like to know (when) it will eventually happen to us, I still believe god will give us our ever awaited gift. I guess as painful as it is , yes god is the only one who knows when…. blessings to all xx

  7. It doesn’t always have a happy ending ! The pain can even get worse. Many years of trying many misscarries. Eventually mental & physical abuse. Finally left for a teenager 29yrs younger than him who could have babies ! Too much pain & sorrow !!!

  8. Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. There are not enough stories of those who struggle. I never thought I would be able to have a family and I felt abandoned by God. There were so many times that being in church was the hardest place to be as I felt God hadn’t heard my prayers. Until two and a half years of medical procedures, tens of thousands of dollars and millions of tears, I sat in church one Sunday and God clearly said “Your prayers have been answered.” In 6 more weeks I will meet my son.
    I know there are so many women who are still waiting and some who will never succeed. It is the hardest thing I have faced in my life and the Internet is full of people talking about who wonderful their families and children are. there are not enough people like you who are brave enough to share that there are those whose journey is hard, long and lonely.
    Thank You

  9. I was marriage for 15yrs now and just get pregnant. My adopted son was 12yrs old now. I thought that God only give me wonderful son until I receive a miracle from God. And now I’m just counting the day. It’s very true that God do have a plan to us. Just don’t stop hoping and praying to God. Just be thankful for everything that He give to us in our lives.

  10. Hi Bek,

    Thanks for sharing & encouraging to trust in God’s plan & timing. I had been married for almost 10 years but is not able to conceive yet. I had been through both traditional medicine & IVF (had 2 miscarriages) and I definitely can empathise the scenarios when my friends are all celebrating the milestones in their kids lives. I am happy for them but at times I question why not me?

    I love kids and i felt apologetic towards my husband that I am not able to give him a family complete with kids. Thank God that he has been understanding & supportive. And yes, there were times in the past when I encountered unpleasant remarks about why didn’t I try hard enough/ more.

    Nowadays, I just trust all these into God’s hands. Like you said, children are gifts from God and if it will be, it will come in God’s timing. These days, I shared my experience and encouraged friends who are or thinking of going through the IVF procedure. It kind if helped me move on from the heartaches.

    God has really blessed you with not one but two beautiful kids. Thank you once again for sharing and I pray for love, peace, joy and God’s abundant blessings upon your family.

    With love,
    MM

  11. God timing indeed will bring the greatest joy in our lives! All we have to do is to trust in His plan and to lean on Him. I can relate how sad and difficult it is to lose a child. I was crushed and defeated. Looking through every pregnant women and how it looks so easy for them to get it through, I wondered and asked what was wrong with me. I was about to give up every good things I have after my 2nd miscarriage. But through the lives of my family and friends, I was able to see the Lord’s goodness and able to stick to Him amidst the pain. I was able to see how blessed I was, and how I’ve been neglecting the many blessings from Him. I realized that for the past years of my life, I failed to acknowledge all His blessings. It came to a point that I accepted I might not be able to bear a child. On the other hand, I learned to acknowledge the Lord’s blessing and the beauty of life. Instead of trying to meddle with stressful people and gossips, I try to know the Lord more and more through reading the Bible. I was able to realize how faithful He is for those who fear and trust Him. Just after 3 months after my 2nd miscarriage, I become pregnant again. I was very scared back then. However, God’s promises and word calmed my soul and my mind. I trusted the Lord fully and believe that He will protect me and baby throughout. In the difficult time of my pregnancy, I just pray and memorized and utter Psalm 121. Through His love and faithfulness, I was able to deliver a healthy and happy baby girl this April 27, 2015. In the Lord’s hand, we can all be victors; just don’t cease praying and believing to our Lord Jesus Christ our saviour and redeemer.

  12. My husband and I experienced a surprise pregnancy 2 months into our marriage. 8 weeks later we found out there was no heart beat, that night we named the baby Sammie. 6 weeks later we found out into was a little girl. Since then intott has been an emotional roller coaster with no luck of a pregnancy and time slipping by, precious time. My sister has since had a beautiful baby boy and intott think how much fun it would be to see him and Sammie together.
    I pray often. My most recent was for God to help heal my heart, guide me in his plan, and have the grace and patience to follow his will. I hope to be and mom soon. Until then I continue time oh ego pray for His guidance, accept His plan, and have faith in Him. Also, to be the best aunt and pseudo mom I can to an amazing little boy.
    Thank you for this post. It’s exactly what I needed tonight.
    A

  13. Coincidentally the day this article was published was my rainbow babies original due date. 🙂 Gods timing came on may 5 when we welcomed our sweetheart after years of waiting and several miscarriages. I am a better mom from the wait and savor each moment just a little more.

  14. Finally I found this encouraging article since my last 2 miscarriages. I’ve been looking for this, telling me what exactly the feeling. Seeing people around me getting pregnant while I’m miscarriaged is not easy. I went through the hardships. Now all leave it to God for his blessing.

  15. Me and my husband have been married 7 years now and we have been wanting a baby for awhile now and we acknowledge that God has his way and will for our life and no doubt his timing is right. I had my share of tears and questions and everybody around you have the baby movement besides you and it’s weighty but I do know that God is able and that his gift can come in many roles and we haven’t been to any doctors be cuz we believe no matter the wait that he can bless US with our own one day

    1. Praying for you both in this time! It’s certainly a journey and hopefully one that brings you closer together and closer to God. Thank you for sharing x

  16. This story is really touching,i too have gone through the tough experience especially when it comes to the questions you are asked by family members during family gathering.But i believe i was born a mother and one day i will have one of my own.lets keep looking upto God and have faith that it will be according to His holy will.

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